Adults finally appeared on college campuses.

Columbia University canceled graduation ceremonies thanks to anti-Israel camps that keep popping up like urinary tract infections after spring break. Now, protesters won’t be able to throw their keffiyehs in the air and make the entire campus look like a Pizza Hut tablecloth.

This after students demanded the school cancel final exams and hand out passing grades so as not to be traumatized by the harm they themselves inflicted. Some revolutionaries. It’s as if Che Guevara gave you the bill to have his beret washed at the dry cleaners. But last week, someone we’ve all been waiting for finally showed up. Grown ups. Do you remember them? They used to run things, not just pay for them.

And what we saw was the battle between two forces: Dad’s brain and the Internet’s brain. The Internet brain is the type that is easily susceptible to garbage on the Internet. It’s like a wet brain but without the joy of earning it with Jack Daniel’s. The Internet brain is the campus brain, the social media brain, and Karen’s brain, all united by outrage and sobbing. Dad’s brain responds to that and says, “Okay, we’ve heard enough, now do your homework.” And in recent years, children have been infected with the brain of the Internet and now they are unleashing it on us. The Internet brain tells you that you have the right to a world that satisfies all your desires.

The Internet brain tells you that the abstract issues out there are more important than your responsibilities here. Your Internet brain tells you that instead of studying for finals, you should pitch a tent on your campus lawn, chant slogans about an ancient conflict you know less about than your actual major, and then demand a passing grade of anyway. And if you make it loud enough, a nation of 9 million people on the other side of the world will cease to exist.

But what happens when the babysitter lets you stay too long past bedtime? The fun and games end when Dad gets home, and he’s patient, but not that patient. So it’s dad brain versus internet brain. And as everyone knows, after all the crying, screaming, threats and demands, dad is going to win, kids. So save yourself a beating.

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Let’s compare the Internet brain and dad’s brain. Dad’s brain lays down the law when nonsense gets out of control. No mother has ever lined up the kids saying, “Wait until your nonbinary community organizer gets home.” Dad’s brain lives in the world of bills paid, tires changed, grass mowed; of vital things being done. Meanwhile, the brains of the Internet have strong opinions about building a carbon-neutral tree fort, written by people too weak to lift a hammer. The Internet brain doesn’t focus on your problems, it amplifies them by saying that the world’s problems are yours. Dad’s brain says no, Hamas is not your problem, Mother’s Day is… give your mom a card and some flowers.

Anti-Israel protesters gather in Washington Square Park in New York City on Friday, May 3, 2024. The NYU Palestinian Solidarity Coalition is hosting the rally as campus protests continue to sweep the country. (Rashid Umar Abbasi for Fox News Digital)

The Internet brain offers a big problem it can’t handle: climate change, the Middle East, global inequality. Dad’s brain knows that these types of obsessions generate anxiety and says, save us the conference on Marxism in Peru. Have you paid your phone bill? The Internet brain also forces children to compare their lives with others, creating envy that leads to mental anguish.

Dad’s brain says I know Kelly and Ashley went to Aspen for spring break, but we’re going to your grandmothers. You know, that nice old lady who might not be here in a few years? The dad brain sees what the inner brain does to you. He drives you crazy, like a bad boyfriend. And dad’s brain isn’t so much about enforcing discipline as it is about calling *** out.

Most of these children know that their causes and their commitment are quite a spectacle. It’s the equivalent of a school play in that it’s poorly produced, becomes boring, and parents don’t so much enjoy it as tolerate it. In fact, many of them want dad’s brain to put them in order.

And so, after weeks of Hamas cosplay, who shows up? Yes, the adults. University officials like the USC president who told the kids: The fun is over. As a result, USC has been evacuated twice without injuries or disturbances, disappointing most of the media, of course.

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Florida also has a good supply of adult caregivers, where students were told their schools are “not a daycare.” That’s the brain of a father. I’m surprised they didn’t yell at them for touching the thermostat or threaten to turn the car over. Of course, the police here were a big brain of a father. No shootings, no real injuries, and the kind of patience only a parent could have with brats. So, looking out over the campus landscape now, it feels like Dad’s brain is coming back. Even SNL, a show that adapts as quickly as Dodo, had to admit that dads are right to call the protests bullshit.

snl parody

Nothing bad. At least the show goes in the unknown direction of humor. So while the internet brain is condemning fossil fuels, we need Dad to tell them to buy a car that runs well on gas. While the Internet brain is telling them to eat bugs to save the Earth, Dad’s brain has to tell them to finish the peas.

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And when the internet brain says trans women should play women’s sports, the dad brain says great, let’s fight for your car keys. Look, Dad’s brain isn’t just a consequence-obsessed killjoy. That dad loves his kids enough to make sure they stop embarrassing themselves in public because the choice is between having dad brains or no brains at all.